killer... snow... blorf

ugh, i can't even come up with a decent title for this one, as i'm thoroughly stir-crazy. bored. numb-minded.

tis the season, of course. it's always like this at this time of year. slow. nothing to do. last year, i took a more depressed route around, so the fact that i'm not savagely searching for new employment is a good sign, at the very least.

no, that - for once - is something that i'm okay with at the moment. i don't know whether it's because i've come to terms with my role, or because of the strides that sales guy eric has taken to help bring me into better light, or if it's all in my head, or what...?? but i'm content at the moment. perhaps it's the economy, and the daily news of more and more people being laid off from their jobs. i'm grateful that it really looks like this little company is going to be okay (atleast in the long run). our technology is coming up to speed, and we're just niche enough to not really be affected by the ills of the greater capitalist public. so yay for that.

maybe it's the crazy amount of snow we received over the past two days, maybe it's the christmas season, maybe it's the hike in our rent, maybe all of the above... but i have this unpleasant mix of cabin fever, stir-crazies, and cash lust. i want a house SO BADLY. i'm so tired of renting. i just want a house. with more than one bedroom. more than one bathroom (not even multiple bathtubs... just his & hers poopers would suit us fine). a gas stove and man cave for him. a pleasant backyard and lots of double-paned windows for me. within our designated neighborhood, and without breaking our piddly (fuck it - NONEXISTENT) bank. why is that so darn much to ask for? how has the greed gotten so out of hand? it's depressing. sorry about that.

at heart, i can't help but be a bit of a fatalist. did i take a wrong turn somewhere? if i hadn't done... something... or if i had... would any of this be easier?

--realism-judo-chop--

well, duh: if i HADN'T been so flippant about the use of credit cards for so many years, i would be better off. if i HAD been more interested in school while i was there, and if i HAD established more of a direction with my career while i was still starting out, then i would be better off (i can't help but believe this).

it's all lessons learned. i know that. it's all dissected and internalized. if the mr. and i ever do have kids (don't ask -- i DON'T know), then one thing is for sure -- they will KNOW THE HELL OF DEBT. THEY WILL FEAR IT. AND THEY WILL BE KEPT AWAY. they will be taught the importance of saving your pennies, and the necessity of LEARNING how to manage your money. not by losing it, or spreading it all over the place. but by reading, and talking and listening and paying attention. that's one thing that i'd do differently from mom. there aren't many things i'd do differently -- but that's a big one.

bah, anyway.

guess i'll go play boomshine for the last 20 minutes before closing up shop. or maybe i'll whip off a christmas letter to add to the cards. meh, who am i kidding... no cards are being sent out this year. maybe next.