all the king's men

i can't really explain why this is taking me for such a ride. or maybe i don't want to understand why, and therefore refuse to dig too deeply... i just don't know. i know it's none of my business, and despite the fact that i'm usually pretty good about letting those kinds of things roll off, this one is particularly sticky.

backstory: Brian is one of the resident nice guys around here. super-friendly, easy-going, and generally just a kind, good person. the kind of kind, good person that you want to see win all of the rounds, every battle. karma should play robin to his batman, and there should always be a happily ever after. married to his high school sweetheart, with two of the cutest kids anywhere. life is perfect, isn't it?

why would you do anything to lose it?
why would you let it go?
why not fight for it until the last drop has dried up?

...or did you?
was it her choice?
was it she who left you?

i discovered, via the infamous Facebook this weekend, that B's status has changed from "married" to "it's complicated." today i realized: he's no longer wearing his wedding ring.

so sad!
what happened?
what now?

upon further investigation (stalking? potato, potahto), there appears to be someone new in his life.

the usual, mousy, cutesy homewrecker-type...
why do they always look the same?

and then i remember back a few months ago, the private phone calls he took in his car, or out behind the office. seemed off at the time, but everyone needs to make an embarrassing appointment from time to time, right? marital debates happen at all hours of the day, and so who am i to question these actions?

only happened a few times anyway.

but now it's weird. do i say something? no, of course not. it's less my place to say a word than it is to play judge.

i mean in terms of support. want to talk?

no. not me. not this time. who am i to assume that roll?

it's just so disappointing.

oh poor you. like it's your marriage that's ended.

i know. thank God.

copywright

so something has been super-bugging me for, well, a really long time now. i have no idea of when it began as a super-mega-wicked-pet-peeve, but there it is.


or here it is:

when something that was once, or still is, awesome (or perceived as awesome) is repeated in relative perpetuity by humans who repeat it in such a way as to make others think that perhaps it is their own, original, witty and adorable quip, deserving of repetition by the audience members in various venues and gatherings of mixed company in such a way as to suggest that it was THEIR OWN originality spewing forth. and so on.


and so on.


typically the quote (though not always a quote; sometimes an idea) is originally, relatively obscure. think not of the "WHAAZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHP?" phenomenon - charming as that was - of the late 90's... think more along the lines of bacon-love. skinny jeans & ironic t-shirts. knitting. internet-exclusive, web-short mini-series'. blogging. twitter. photography as a hobby.


now before the thousands upon thousands of bacon-loving, tweeting, knitting, hipster comic/photographer/bloggers out there reading this revolt and declare me a clueless, uncool loser (though not wholly untrue), i am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with bacon, skinny jeans, ironic t-shirts, knitting, web-short mini series, blogging, twitter or photography (okay, maybe there's lots wrong with skinny jeans). i myself enjoy a number of these things, and have often declared my love of said things to mixed company. guilty.


what i AM SAYING is that, chances are, not one of these things was YOUR idea. you were not the first person to find photography AWESOME. you do not hold a PhD in twitter. if you were the first to declare skinny jeans as a sartorial imperative, you should be lynched - not celebrated nor admired for your ingenuity. stop trying to lead me to believe that everything you find awesome was your original idea. your discovery.

it was not.
i know it.
and you know it.
so stop it.

furthermore, it makes you look like an idiot. and it makes me feel like an idiot because i recognize you, standing there, looking like an idiot, but i'm too damn kind to say that to you (oh, but one of these days, sister... just you wait...), and therefore i play along and pretend to buy into your idiocy and therefore you believe that you have duped me, and therefore i MUST be an idiot, and therefore i feel like an idiot.

okay. so where do we go from here?

just, you know, stop it. if you find out about something cool, and would like to share it with others, that is fantastic! please do that. the world needs more awesome stuff in it. but stop with the facade of "know what's awesome?! sandwiches. no really! you probably wouldn't know what they are, but trust me, they're awesome. i'm awesome. i mean they're awesome."

an other way of expressing this same idea might be: "so although sandwiches are not a new phenomenon, i made myself a really good one the other day! here's what was in it..."

and there you have it. trust me, there's a difference! in option #2, you still get the credit for making something that has existed for a VERY LONG TIME a little DIFFERENT & (here it is, folks, are you paying attention?) ORIGINAL, while not trying to make your audience (me) believe that you had a hand in the original invention of one of the most beloved foods of our time.

thank you.

killer... snow... blorf

ugh, i can't even come up with a decent title for this one, as i'm thoroughly stir-crazy. bored. numb-minded.

tis the season, of course. it's always like this at this time of year. slow. nothing to do. last year, i took a more depressed route around, so the fact that i'm not savagely searching for new employment is a good sign, at the very least.

no, that - for once - is something that i'm okay with at the moment. i don't know whether it's because i've come to terms with my role, or because of the strides that sales guy eric has taken to help bring me into better light, or if it's all in my head, or what...?? but i'm content at the moment. perhaps it's the economy, and the daily news of more and more people being laid off from their jobs. i'm grateful that it really looks like this little company is going to be okay (atleast in the long run). our technology is coming up to speed, and we're just niche enough to not really be affected by the ills of the greater capitalist public. so yay for that.

maybe it's the crazy amount of snow we received over the past two days, maybe it's the christmas season, maybe it's the hike in our rent, maybe all of the above... but i have this unpleasant mix of cabin fever, stir-crazies, and cash lust. i want a house SO BADLY. i'm so tired of renting. i just want a house. with more than one bedroom. more than one bathroom (not even multiple bathtubs... just his & hers poopers would suit us fine). a gas stove and man cave for him. a pleasant backyard and lots of double-paned windows for me. within our designated neighborhood, and without breaking our piddly (fuck it - NONEXISTENT) bank. why is that so darn much to ask for? how has the greed gotten so out of hand? it's depressing. sorry about that.

at heart, i can't help but be a bit of a fatalist. did i take a wrong turn somewhere? if i hadn't done... something... or if i had... would any of this be easier?

--realism-judo-chop--

well, duh: if i HADN'T been so flippant about the use of credit cards for so many years, i would be better off. if i HAD been more interested in school while i was there, and if i HAD established more of a direction with my career while i was still starting out, then i would be better off (i can't help but believe this).

it's all lessons learned. i know that. it's all dissected and internalized. if the mr. and i ever do have kids (don't ask -- i DON'T know), then one thing is for sure -- they will KNOW THE HELL OF DEBT. THEY WILL FEAR IT. AND THEY WILL BE KEPT AWAY. they will be taught the importance of saving your pennies, and the necessity of LEARNING how to manage your money. not by losing it, or spreading it all over the place. but by reading, and talking and listening and paying attention. that's one thing that i'd do differently from mom. there aren't many things i'd do differently -- but that's a big one.

bah, anyway.

guess i'll go play boomshine for the last 20 minutes before closing up shop. or maybe i'll whip off a christmas letter to add to the cards. meh, who am i kidding... no cards are being sent out this year. maybe next.

Better Luck Next Time

huh. 2008 seems to be shaping up as "The Year That Almost Was..."

by this i mean that there have been a number of things in recent months that could have - should have - come to fruition, and that would have made a big & important difference in lives around me.

for example: my last post. that was a mother-f-ing doozy, the loss of which is made all the more sour by this next example:

apparently, there is this big project for which the company i work for was a shu-in as a consulting firm. we've worked on this project in past years, and it makes up like, a monster chunk of our yearly revenue. well, this year we lost it. foul-play has been suggested, but what the hell does it matter?

oh, well it matters because had we WON the project this year, i may not be getting cut to half-time hours... or maybe i would be. i dunno.

ready for another nugget of golden goodness? e's boss was a shu-in for that 2nd restaurant that he bid on. the owners came to HIM to buy, and everyone was on board -- till at the last minute, bankruptcy was declared and the deal altogether died. why did that ultimately matter? because e would have been the exec chef... corporate chef, in mixed company, and his jump in $alary would have - presumably - more than made up for my loss of half a paycheck now.

there are other examples -- i know i'm forgetting some -- because i have felt the exact frustration of a good thing slipping through my fingers more times in recent months than i can remember in all my life.
i know i shouldn't complain. my life is good -- it really is, and i have so much for which to be grateful...

but fuck, am i cheezed off right now. fuck fuck.

Fortified with Optimism

I love those commercials for the "nutrition bars" called SoyJoy, which claim that the treats are "Fortified with Optimism!" I love the name SoyJoy, too -- though I have not yet tasted the actual product. Their marketing team clearly rocks, though.

I need a little optimism fortification lately, as I'm really feeling very much like an obese and narcoleptic pit-bull is sitting on my metaphorical tail... And, perhaps, farting.

See, though my "loyal readers" know of this already, I was recently a shu-in for a really great job. It was entirely within my skill set, and I was even given a hearty recommendation by a wonderfully generous acquaintance - and long-time, respected employee of the company. The position was mine to blow. And guess what I did... While on vacation with E the week after a series of successful interviews, I received a concerned phone call from the HR rep who had been handling my case. "We have some... questions and concerns about your... credit history."

My heart sank and right then I knew I had lost it. See, I'm a dipshit. No surprise there, right? I have more or less always opted to "learn by doing," NOT by listening. In my 18-year-old opinion at the time, I thought that opening a line of credit at every store in the mall was a dandy idea, regardless of all the warnings you hear at that age: "blah blah responsibility blah stays-with-you-forever blah blah." Hell, I could shop all day long and still have cash left over for a pizza and a movie later. And it's not like I ignored the bills -- I paid them most of the time... eventually. In all honesty, I truly believed that in just a matter of a few years, I'd be making the "big bucks," and could easily pay it all off in the blink of an eye. After all, that's what happens after you graduate college, right? Right?! (Hint: Not with a B.A. in Psychology, it's not...)

So surprise-surprise, the credit report that returned to the company showed a relatively large number of infractions (nothing truly serious, mind you!) -- but a large enough frequency of bugs to raise their eyebrows. I was mortified, so I took a day to think about my response, all the while knowing that it was worthless. Nevertheless, I wrote a long, detailed letter to justify each of the infractions -- and pointless or not, I have to say it made me feel like I was doing something to save face... The HR rep tried to be optimistic and supportive, and replied that she thought maybe the company would make an exception for me, given my recommendations, skill & apparent character.

...No go.

Ah well... At least there's still the "stable job" in the meantime (or at least until the economy bottoms out entirely). That was just my "lucky break" kind of opportunity, which apparently collided with my time to "learn a hard lesson that you will wish you had learned years ago..." Fuck.

...And then a few more changes...

Oy. I think that a few things may be different by the end of '08.

On the list:
1. Body/health (as previously reported)
2. Home (perhaps something larger...? It remains to be seen.)
3. Job (double-oy...)

Stay tuned.

The brink of change

So y'know what I just did? I joined tens of thousands of other lovely folk who ventured into the breezy & cool Seattle Saturday to attend the Washington Democratic Caucus! (Yay for voting!)

Previously a caucus-virgin, I had no idea of what to expect, and though A&H also went-a-caucus-ing today, we live in different precincts and so had to register at different caucus sites. E had to work (E always has to work), so this meant that I was flying solo today. Ordinarily (as my sole two readers -- and the two people closest to me in the world already know), this would be a recipe for inaction. I would have flicked on the television, or busied myself elsewhere, in an attempt to convince myself that I wasn't scared to go by myself to a very important, historically relevant, and socially responsible function -- I was just too busy. (...We'll save the discussion of my social paralysis for another day.)

However, the time has definitely come. The time for change is heavily upon us, and I suppose 8 years of growing increasingly disenchanted with the United States' government, 8 years of escalating lies, deceit, corruption, irresponsible and damaging crony-ism, 8 years of growing more and more angry at my fellow Americans for being such ass-tastic, common-sense-tarded, scum-sucking douche-bags -- is just about enough to propel my fat (aka "American") ass into motion today, and I went. I stood in a small, hot, crowded room with hundreds of my immediate neighbors; I was herded to the corner of the room representing my precinct; I picked up that pen, and I -- all by myself -- VOTED. I voted with every ounce of anger, every ounce of frustration, fatigue, and -- (is it truly accurate to say? Can there really be an ounce of it left??) -- hope in the tattered corridor of my heart reserved for this mudhole we call: America.

Though I did not stick around for the pleasantries of speaking with others about my unwavering Obama-crush, nor was I interested in hearing what any Hillary supporters (however seemingly and conspicuously few there may have been at this particular caucus site) had to say -- I felt pretty darn good about my day's activity. After spending so many years feeling like just one of the masses neglected, abused and globally-embarrassed by the Bush Administration, I had my one, small say.

Will America ever regain a respectable reputation? Will the impending and inevitable recession turn out to be the epic bitch-slap for not fighting harder, voting louder, standing stronger against the Bush Circus in 2004, that it's projected to be? Will I ever not hate 90% of the population in this despicable country? A lot of people have a lot of standing up to do, and methinks more than a few stars need to miraculously align themselves before that happens... But at the very least, there is the promise of eventual change.